You know, frustration happens. It's not that I'm particularly mad at anything... it's just frustrating. You know? Sometimes, I just want to be in control so bad. I want to be secure in knowing that all of my children were born here and that I don't have to think about them having to lean on the centers not just for clubs to learn about Jesus, but for food in clothing in a mere two years or so. That stinks. It just plain stinks. These kids have potential and passion- they are more humble a lot of the time than most of the people I find in the churches that surrounding my home. Why do they have to be the ones caught with the short straw? Why? Why do I get to go to college and travel around the world and have my own car when they don't even have their own room or more than one pair of shoes?
Well, my heart is broken as of now, but God will heal it and is doing so as I type. I need to learn daily to lay down my cares and my worries at His feet, for as I told my kids over and over this weekend- God listens to our prayers. He hears them and loves us more than anything. He loves them more than anything. Even if they won't find their dreams in the States because of their citizenship-if they can't be a therapist or a marine and have to work construction or live off of stamps... God will be with them. But right now, I just hate it more than anything. How is this justice?
Psalm 38:9 -10, 15 says "O Lord, all my longing is before you; my sighing is not hidden from you. My heart throbs; my strength fails me, and the light of my eyes--it has also gone from me... But for you, O LORD, do I wait; it is you, O Lord my God, who will answer."
That's my prayer right now. God knows our pains, our sighs- He hears our sighs... but all in all, I am waiting for Him to be glorified, for He will be. He will not abandon me just as He will never abandon my kids.
Anyhow, enough of that rant. We just got back from taking 35 of our teens and preteens to Trinity Pines, a camp out in the woods, for the weekend to learn more about having a relationship with God and what that truly looks like. It was a super blessing to be able to be a part of that. I was in a cabin with another missionary who I love and 3 teens from Gano center and one from mine, and to see the struggles these girls face as well as how God has moved in their hearts was just humbling. One girl gave birth to a little girl 5 months ago and talking to her, hearing how she wants to follow God, is feeling His convictions, and how much she's learned from the unwed pregnancy was beautiful. There is no other word to describe it. That is God's glory right there-taking such a rough situation and making it a blessing beyond belief.
Talking to one of my favorite teen boys from my center was sweet as well. One of them opened up about how hard it is to be at his school with dealers all around, but how he doesn't want to live that life. He wants to be a therapist. And every single door that was to be passed through was held open by him for even twenty minutes at most. And he told me I was his best friend. Which he's said before. But he's adorable. It's like being a big sister.
They are so precious.
So, this week, we'll have a new group helping us, so pray that God will grant us patience and grace in teaching them how to grow as leaders. Pray that our kids will have hope for a future following the Lord.. and that I will trust that as well.
grace and peace.
Sunday 26 June 2011
Tuesday 14 June 2011
How do you say "I'm going to spend my life with you in spanish?"
Aaaaand groups have begun. After a summer with only about five last year, to have the whole summer booked up every week with volunteer mission groups coming daily is kind of awesome. It's a lot more responsibility in a different way, but at the same time, it's cool to be able to build relationships with them and see how God works through them during the week- not to mention, they are so encouraging when we're exhausted!
You know what's crazy? It's so easy to tell the difference when you're in prayer and not by how our days go. Yesterday, we were supposed to get this HUGE order of food in before kids club started- you know, 40 containers of chicken, 100 containers of corn, all that jazz, nothing big- and instead of coming two hours before the kids came, it came 5 minutes prior. Ha. Hilarious, right? So as the kids poured in, all 20 of us with the group (who is awesome! they are absolutely wonderful!) ran around like chickens with our heads cut off trying to get the food in the building, to the pantry, and organized. All the while, the kids were crazy. I walked in once, and our director was struggling to get everyone checked in and a couple of boys were in a fight. Well, that never happens. Not kidding.
The thing is, we didn't pray that afternoon. Every day before club, we always-always! pray. Prayer is so powerful. When we put our problems at the feet of God and trust Him with them, He will help us follow Him and will help us control our attitudes...
So, that's my brain-fried struggle of a thought for the day. Sorry if it didn't make a whoooole lot of sense. I tried.
Things you could pray for:
-We're taking our preteens and children on a field trip on Thursday- pray that things will go smoothly, kids will show up, and that no one gets lost or hurt!
- Unity in our house. I can tell prayer has had an effect!
- VoBS- Vocational Beginners School. We've just started this program this year for our teens (ones who have shown clear direction and motivation in their lives) to help train them on how to approach the work world in an informed and Godly way. It's pretty cool. Pray that it will be effective and will raise leaders in the community.
And that's about it for right now! Oh, and I did get cheesed at the last church we visited. At the dinner afterwards, a fifteen year old boy who was quite the awkward fellow asked me how to say "I'm going to spend my life with you in spanish."
Ahem.
No sir.
Anywho, spend some time in prayer today! 1 Thessalonians 5:17 says that we are to "pray without ceasing."
I know that's said a lot, but let's live it out. :)
grace and peace
You know what's crazy? It's so easy to tell the difference when you're in prayer and not by how our days go. Yesterday, we were supposed to get this HUGE order of food in before kids club started- you know, 40 containers of chicken, 100 containers of corn, all that jazz, nothing big- and instead of coming two hours before the kids came, it came 5 minutes prior. Ha. Hilarious, right? So as the kids poured in, all 20 of us with the group (who is awesome! they are absolutely wonderful!) ran around like chickens with our heads cut off trying to get the food in the building, to the pantry, and organized. All the while, the kids were crazy. I walked in once, and our director was struggling to get everyone checked in and a couple of boys were in a fight. Well, that never happens. Not kidding.
The thing is, we didn't pray that afternoon. Every day before club, we always-always! pray. Prayer is so powerful. When we put our problems at the feet of God and trust Him with them, He will help us follow Him and will help us control our attitudes...
So, that's my brain-fried struggle of a thought for the day. Sorry if it didn't make a whoooole lot of sense. I tried.
Things you could pray for:
-We're taking our preteens and children on a field trip on Thursday- pray that things will go smoothly, kids will show up, and that no one gets lost or hurt!
- Unity in our house. I can tell prayer has had an effect!
- VoBS- Vocational Beginners School. We've just started this program this year for our teens (ones who have shown clear direction and motivation in their lives) to help train them on how to approach the work world in an informed and Godly way. It's pretty cool. Pray that it will be effective and will raise leaders in the community.
And that's about it for right now! Oh, and I did get cheesed at the last church we visited. At the dinner afterwards, a fifteen year old boy who was quite the awkward fellow asked me how to say "I'm going to spend my life with you in spanish."
Ahem.
No sir.
Anywho, spend some time in prayer today! 1 Thessalonians 5:17 says that we are to "pray without ceasing."
I know that's said a lot, but let's live it out. :)
grace and peace
Monday 13 June 2011
Surrender
If you know me at all, you probably know that I am a planner at heart. I live by my hour-by-hour purple planner and I have (or had) my entire class list at Mercer planned out via Excel sheet saved on my computer.
Well, today, at a church, I shared my testimony. I talked about how although in the search to find something to make me feel whole in this world, I suffered a lot and went through so many situations that were detrimental to my spirit- but even though those things happened, I knew that the Lord had been with me all the way and knew what was best for me. All of the things that hurt me at the time, like not getting into the school I wanted to, my grandmother dying, relationships crumbling- they led me to my knees and eventually God worked them together to get me here in a place where I feel more loved, more purposeful, and more joyful than any other time in my life. Not only that, but the most growth I have ever felt in my walk with the Lord has occurred here.
After saying all of that, I proceeded to spend the rest of the evening distracting myself with possibilities. Possibilities upon possibilities about where I may end up in the next four years-planning, anguishing over details, overall breaking my trust in God for my own selfish gain.
But what do I gain?
Matthew 6, which I apparently still cannot get into my head from last night says that I gain nothing from stressing myself out about the future- God knows where I will be and what I will be doing. I don't need to know- all I need to do is serve Him and glorify Him where He has put me right now. How easily I forget what a blessing it is for me to even be here, even if just for a moment!
I can't be in two places in time at once, but God has my life planned out to the t, and He knows exactly what's good for me.
Pray that I will be able to surrender to that and trust that God will place me where I ought to be, and that I can focus on the amazingly awesomely wonderfully perfect place that God has put me right now. Well, perfect for me. I cannot get over how much I love this place.
In any case, exciting news- We had block parties for the kids and preteens on Saturday- ours was super precious. It was farm themed, and all of the kids got little farm animal visors and got to have fun and all that jazz, so hopefully any new ones will come back for club tomorrow! Also, a Korean church is helping at all 3 centers next week, so pray that we will be equipped to lead them with humility and love.
Well, today, at a church, I shared my testimony. I talked about how although in the search to find something to make me feel whole in this world, I suffered a lot and went through so many situations that were detrimental to my spirit- but even though those things happened, I knew that the Lord had been with me all the way and knew what was best for me. All of the things that hurt me at the time, like not getting into the school I wanted to, my grandmother dying, relationships crumbling- they led me to my knees and eventually God worked them together to get me here in a place where I feel more loved, more purposeful, and more joyful than any other time in my life. Not only that, but the most growth I have ever felt in my walk with the Lord has occurred here.
After saying all of that, I proceeded to spend the rest of the evening distracting myself with possibilities. Possibilities upon possibilities about where I may end up in the next four years-planning, anguishing over details, overall breaking my trust in God for my own selfish gain.
But what do I gain?
Matthew 6, which I apparently still cannot get into my head from last night says that I gain nothing from stressing myself out about the future- God knows where I will be and what I will be doing. I don't need to know- all I need to do is serve Him and glorify Him where He has put me right now. How easily I forget what a blessing it is for me to even be here, even if just for a moment!
I can't be in two places in time at once, but God has my life planned out to the t, and He knows exactly what's good for me.
Pray that I will be able to surrender to that and trust that God will place me where I ought to be, and that I can focus on the amazingly awesomely wonderfully perfect place that God has put me right now. Well, perfect for me. I cannot get over how much I love this place.
In any case, exciting news- We had block parties for the kids and preteens on Saturday- ours was super precious. It was farm themed, and all of the kids got little farm animal visors and got to have fun and all that jazz, so hopefully any new ones will come back for club tomorrow! Also, a Korean church is helping at all 3 centers next week, so pray that we will be equipped to lead them with humility and love.
Sunday 12 June 2011
¡fiel es el Señor!
Woah. Ever had that time where you prayed, and you really believed that God would answer your prayers in His time and in His way because He loves us that much?
Well, that's one of our theme ish question things this summer- What if we believed God? What if we believed that prayer is powerful and that God truly does work through it? Well, you know, earlier this week, when I was wearing the shirt that said that, I thought to myself and was like, huh. You know, there are a lot of times where I really don't believe that-times that I pray easy prayers, ones that surely God will answer, or half-believingly pray something pretty big, thinking in the back of my mind that God will never, ever do such an awesome thing in my simple little life.
Psht. Who am I kidding? Am I really thinking of the same God whose son was resurrected from the grave, who parted the seas, brought the dead to life, and will bring justice to this world? I couldn't be.
Seriously.
God has a plan for this city, and He has a plan for me. He doesn't want my halfway prayers; He doesn't want me to kind of believe His promises.
He wants me to have faith that hearts can change, that souls can be saved, that He is enough for us all.
So here it is. Here I am, believing that God can and will change the hearts here, that lives will be changed, and that God will continue to give me faith that His will is perfect for me and that I need Him more than anything in this world.
Pray that I would continue to have faith. Pray for the community, that their hearts would cry out for God to fill the hole that sin has left within them. Pray that our team would be strengthened and unified in the goal of glorifying God in everything that we do. Pray that love would overcome the sin abounding here.
And finally, this song has been weighing on my heart for most of this week, so I figured I would share it.
Lord I Need You by Chris Tomlin
Lord I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the one that guides my heart
Lord, I need You, oh I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
Where sin runs deep, Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
Yes where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
So teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay
The only way we can go on living is through trust and faith that God will pick us up when we fall and that He has everything that we need to go on. I pray that you will walk in faithfulness to our God.
Matt. 6:25-34
Well, that's one of our theme ish question things this summer- What if we believed God? What if we believed that prayer is powerful and that God truly does work through it? Well, you know, earlier this week, when I was wearing the shirt that said that, I thought to myself and was like, huh. You know, there are a lot of times where I really don't believe that-times that I pray easy prayers, ones that surely God will answer, or half-believingly pray something pretty big, thinking in the back of my mind that God will never, ever do such an awesome thing in my simple little life.
Psht. Who am I kidding? Am I really thinking of the same God whose son was resurrected from the grave, who parted the seas, brought the dead to life, and will bring justice to this world? I couldn't be.
Seriously.
God has a plan for this city, and He has a plan for me. He doesn't want my halfway prayers; He doesn't want me to kind of believe His promises.
He wants me to have faith that hearts can change, that souls can be saved, that He is enough for us all.
So here it is. Here I am, believing that God can and will change the hearts here, that lives will be changed, and that God will continue to give me faith that His will is perfect for me and that I need Him more than anything in this world.
Pray that I would continue to have faith. Pray for the community, that their hearts would cry out for God to fill the hole that sin has left within them. Pray that our team would be strengthened and unified in the goal of glorifying God in everything that we do. Pray that love would overcome the sin abounding here.
And finally, this song has been weighing on my heart for most of this week, so I figured I would share it.
Lord I Need You by Chris Tomlin
Lord I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the one that guides my heart
Lord, I need You, oh I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
Where sin runs deep, Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
Yes where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
So teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay
The only way we can go on living is through trust and faith that God will pick us up when we fall and that He has everything that we need to go on. I pray that you will walk in faithfulness to our God.
Matt. 6:25-34
Monday 6 June 2011
Flexibility
So, when I was younger, I did gymnastics. More of, I lived gymnastics. Everything I did had to do with it. About 20 hours a week were given to the sport between the ages of 6 and 14 of my life. For that, I was required to be quite flexible, which took a lot of discipline, but not only that- pain as well.
Well, it seems nothing changes. Flexibility is still something I learn on a daily basis, but just not so much while wearing leotards and prancing around a gym. Flexibility is such an important part of the life of someone in missions, whether it be a week or a lifetime. Things change. The more we try to plan, the more God shows us that His plan, and His plan only is good.
All of this to say that today, I found out due to a lot of things happening, I am no longer teaching a class of 7 to 10 year olds, but instead, I'm teaching the 4-6 spanish Bible study. There's just a teensy bit of change there. You know. Language. So, while it took me a minute (or two) to adjust to the challenge of that, I know that God has a plan for this. I know I need practice in the language. I know that I need to spread out my experience with different ages of children. And not only that, but I'm not alone. I have a supervisor that will do anything to help me, and wonderful friends who are fluent in spanish and would love nothing more than to help me translate, so there it is again-God showing that He is in control and He will provide anything I need for me.
The other thing is, well, I feel God convicting me to drop French as a major. While I love languages with all my heart, I've been struggling with French. It's not that it's terribly, terribly hard, I just don't have a passion for the culture as much as I do for the hispanic culture, and that poses a problem. So, that will be hard. So just pray that I'm listening to what God is saying and willing to follow him no matter what and no matter where he leads me.
But anyway, ministries start tomorrow! Pray for us! I am so, so excited :)
Isaiah 42:1-4
Behold my servant, whom I uphold,
my chosen, in whom my soul delights;
he will bring forth justice to the nations.
He will not cry aloud or lift up his voice,
or make it heard in the street;
a bruised reed he will not break,
and a faintly burning wick he will not quench;
he will faithfully bring forth justice.
He will not grow faint or be discouraged
till he has established justice in the earth;
and the coastlands wait for his law..."
You should really read the rest of that. That's the kind of servant I am striving to be. One that does not shout aloud or lift up his voice, gently leading God's people to their Father...
grace and peace!
Well, it seems nothing changes. Flexibility is still something I learn on a daily basis, but just not so much while wearing leotards and prancing around a gym. Flexibility is such an important part of the life of someone in missions, whether it be a week or a lifetime. Things change. The more we try to plan, the more God shows us that His plan, and His plan only is good.
All of this to say that today, I found out due to a lot of things happening, I am no longer teaching a class of 7 to 10 year olds, but instead, I'm teaching the 4-6 spanish Bible study. There's just a teensy bit of change there. You know. Language. So, while it took me a minute (or two) to adjust to the challenge of that, I know that God has a plan for this. I know I need practice in the language. I know that I need to spread out my experience with different ages of children. And not only that, but I'm not alone. I have a supervisor that will do anything to help me, and wonderful friends who are fluent in spanish and would love nothing more than to help me translate, so there it is again-God showing that He is in control and He will provide anything I need for me.
The other thing is, well, I feel God convicting me to drop French as a major. While I love languages with all my heart, I've been struggling with French. It's not that it's terribly, terribly hard, I just don't have a passion for the culture as much as I do for the hispanic culture, and that poses a problem. So, that will be hard. So just pray that I'm listening to what God is saying and willing to follow him no matter what and no matter where he leads me.
But anyway, ministries start tomorrow! Pray for us! I am so, so excited :)
Isaiah 42:1-4
Behold my servant, whom I uphold,
my chosen, in whom my soul delights;
he will bring forth justice to the nations.
He will not cry aloud or lift up his voice,
or make it heard in the street;
a bruised reed he will not break,
and a faintly burning wick he will not quench;
he will faithfully bring forth justice.
He will not grow faint or be discouraged
till he has established justice in the earth;
and the coastlands wait for his law..."
You should really read the rest of that. That's the kind of servant I am striving to be. One that does not shout aloud or lift up his voice, gently leading God's people to their Father...
grace and peace!
Thursday 2 June 2011
Wow.
I really couldn't think of a better title than that. I mean, really. I don't think you understand how good our God is. I certainly don't. Daily, God blesses me and loves me more than I can imagine- and I'm floored.
Well, I'm home. It's super surreal. Since I left 10 months ago, I've been hoping and praying and wanting to be back here doing what is so close to my heart, and I'm here and it simply doesn't feel real. It feels like I never left.
Already, though, God is teaching me. I know this will be another summer of good, hard, heart-wrenchingly beautiful lessons.
I had myself entirely geared for differences this year. We only have 13 missionaries, as compared to 21 last summer. I have a new bed (by choice, haha-it's a lot darker and quieter in my new corner), new friends (plus Lauren and Karenie, my dear friends and sisters from last summer), and expected and prepared my heart to be in a new center.
Ha.
Just when I was completely at peace with the idea of meeting new kids and doing new things and loving them all the same no matter what, as we played a game of heads up seven up (no really, we're that awesome) to see who was at which center, Gano and Fletcher missions were chosen.. and, well, I wasn't. Imagine my confusion. Our supervisor, Ginger, has a strict policy against sending returning missionaries to the same center.
Well, some things change. I'm not complaining. Nor is Lauren. We're actually quite elated.
Here's the deal, though. This year, I'm Joy center's 'team leader.' Woah. So, as I said, a summer of learning. I really am excited to see God work in my weakness, through water or fire-His will is good.
I really can't express my excitement. I'm still having to pinch myself, though. Going to my favorite places, seeing my favorite people, the amazing staff that I love, being back with friends, being in a place that I feel is so close to God's heart... I'm humbled by God's love. Eight months ago, I didn't think I would have the opportunity to come.
God really does work all things together for good. Really, He does.
No, really.
Even after a tough semester, where honestly, I feel like I didn't leave much with, God has me back here where He brought my heart so desperately and happily in love with Him- and just as Jesus brought Peter back to where they first met, reminding him of his betrayal in John 21-here I am, reminded of my brokenness, yet at the same time hopeful-because our God is faithful and abounding in steadfast love (it says so in Psalm 86 :)
So meditate on that, breathe it, and remember: Though we fall time and time again, God will bring us back to where we have been in pure communion, reminding us of where we've been, not to hurt us, but to show us that He loves us more than we can even begin to know.
That being said, please continue to keep our team in your prayers- pray for unity and strength and that we will rely on God throughout the summer and never get weary of time with Him. Pray for me, please. Pray that I will lead as Christ did-not as someone above, but as a servant leader in humility, relying on His word. Pray for the people we will be serving this summer, that their hearts will be open and that we will have opportunity upon opportunity to share God's love with them- and that the love we have for them is not ours, but God's.
I love you all a lot! Grace and peace!
Well, I'm home. It's super surreal. Since I left 10 months ago, I've been hoping and praying and wanting to be back here doing what is so close to my heart, and I'm here and it simply doesn't feel real. It feels like I never left.
Already, though, God is teaching me. I know this will be another summer of good, hard, heart-wrenchingly beautiful lessons.
I had myself entirely geared for differences this year. We only have 13 missionaries, as compared to 21 last summer. I have a new bed (by choice, haha-it's a lot darker and quieter in my new corner), new friends (plus Lauren and Karenie, my dear friends and sisters from last summer), and expected and prepared my heart to be in a new center.
Ha.
Just when I was completely at peace with the idea of meeting new kids and doing new things and loving them all the same no matter what, as we played a game of heads up seven up (no really, we're that awesome) to see who was at which center, Gano and Fletcher missions were chosen.. and, well, I wasn't. Imagine my confusion. Our supervisor, Ginger, has a strict policy against sending returning missionaries to the same center.
Well, some things change. I'm not complaining. Nor is Lauren. We're actually quite elated.
Here's the deal, though. This year, I'm Joy center's 'team leader.' Woah. So, as I said, a summer of learning. I really am excited to see God work in my weakness, through water or fire-His will is good.
I really can't express my excitement. I'm still having to pinch myself, though. Going to my favorite places, seeing my favorite people, the amazing staff that I love, being back with friends, being in a place that I feel is so close to God's heart... I'm humbled by God's love. Eight months ago, I didn't think I would have the opportunity to come.
God really does work all things together for good. Really, He does.
No, really.
Even after a tough semester, where honestly, I feel like I didn't leave much with, God has me back here where He brought my heart so desperately and happily in love with Him- and just as Jesus brought Peter back to where they first met, reminding him of his betrayal in John 21-here I am, reminded of my brokenness, yet at the same time hopeful-because our God is faithful and abounding in steadfast love (it says so in Psalm 86 :)
So meditate on that, breathe it, and remember: Though we fall time and time again, God will bring us back to where we have been in pure communion, reminding us of where we've been, not to hurt us, but to show us that He loves us more than we can even begin to know.
That being said, please continue to keep our team in your prayers- pray for unity and strength and that we will rely on God throughout the summer and never get weary of time with Him. Pray for me, please. Pray that I will lead as Christ did-not as someone above, but as a servant leader in humility, relying on His word. Pray for the people we will be serving this summer, that their hearts will be open and that we will have opportunity upon opportunity to share God's love with them- and that the love we have for them is not ours, but God's.
I love you all a lot! Grace and peace!
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